Our Angel Taitum Makaila Brown

Preface
The beauty of life is while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is not spent in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom and understanding. Sometimes you have to share the darkest moments that you were forced to experience to find people just like you. Sometimes you share and people have pity on you and that’s not what you are looking for. Sometimes you share and all people hear is the pain. But all the time, you just want to know that you are not alone.

As most of you know I have an autoimmune disease called Scleroderma. (www.firstgiving.com/rosemarie) When Terry and I found out we were pregnant we received support from my OB doctor and a Perinatologist (maternal-fetal specialist). My pregnancy was considered high risk so I visited the doctor’s office every two weeks. We went through so many emotions with our Baby Girl from blood work, glucose testing to genetic testing where the tests were initially abnormal then after a second testing result concluded to be normal or negative. I was definitely a happy pregnant lady even while I was waiting for test results. Even though we experienced a great loss, I feel at peace that our angel Taitum Makaila Brown is with God and I am truly grateful to have loved her so much and be her Mommy.

Pregnancy
After our first at home pregnancy test I made a daily schedule to wake up an hour earlier than my regular time so I would have enough time to eat a nutritional breakfast and plan out all my meals throughout the day. If you spent a day with me you knew that there was a 99% chance I had string cheese, hummus and fruit in my lunch box or purse. It was really hard for me to gain weight but I didn’t want to eat or gain weight the unhealthy way so I was gaining weight by drinking a lot of whole milk, eating high fatty foods like avocado and nuts. Don’t get me wrong my love for meat didn’t reduce I ate burgers and steak but in moderation. I think the food I craved the most was Favela’s Carne Asada Nachos, Sukhothai’s Seafood salad, Evelyn’s Meat Lover’s Pizza and pretty much anything my Mom cooked and if my Mom wasn’t around I ate Filipino food at Sisig. We loved to eat. At about four months, I started to feel her swish inside me. Her little butterfly movements would wake me up and I no longer needed my alarm clock. Baby Bacon (her granddad nicknamed Her that because we love Taitum just as much as bacon, it’s that serious) knew it was almost breakfast time. I know when I ate she didn’t receive the nutrients until hours later but just like her Mama this girl knew food was an essential part of happiness.

My Baby Girl and I were in sync; I’m mildly OCD when it comes to my daily routine. I had a feeling Baby Girl’s eating habits was not the only behavior she got from me. She was on a schedule just like her Mama. I felt her most when she woke me up in the morning and about 6 pm when I would get off work and immediately eat dinner. I spoke to her all day long and at four months my baby bump was not that noticeable but I was rubbing my tummy like I was eight months big. During every shower I sang, “You are my Sunshine” and on my way to work she listened to “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. When Terry was not working night shifts he would read her stories before we went to bed. He was such a good storyteller too. He described the pictures on the page and changed his voice on different characters (such a wonderful daddy). After stories, I would get my iPod turn the Wi-Fi off and place it on my tummy so she could listen to love jams from when her Mama was growing up. Every day was different but I made sure these daily activities were part of our agenda.

I’m one of those people who swear by music. Music comforts me and I am at peace whether it’s rock or country I cannot live without it. I started singing, “You are my Sunshine” to Baby Bacon once I found out I was pregnant because my Mom always sang that song to my brother and I. When I was about two months pregnant, I dreamt of my Baby Girl sleeping in my arms and I was admiring her precious face and she quietly woke up and opened her eyes. The mesmerizing part of the dream was when she opened her eyes. She had long thick eyelashes like her Daddy. She opened her eyes, yawned and blinked. The dream was simple yet the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamt of. I’ve heard the song, “Just the Way You Are” before but the next day when I heard Bruno Mars say “Oh her eyes, her eyes. Make the stars look like they’re not shining.” I knew that described my Baby Girl. I began to play that song for her on my commute to work and a few weeks later when the song was on I always felt her moving.

A little before five months, I provided blood work for the second genetic testing. A few days later a Geneticist called to tell me that there was a jump from my first genetic testing for Down’s syndrome (two months ago the results were 1/160) the results now were 1/16. Also, the risk of Her of having spina bifida increased. I received the phone call at work and I remembered tears falling down my face and I held my tummy and told my Baby Girl you be strong just like Mommy because sometimes doctors are wrong, they tell Mommy she’s sick all the time but she doesn’t believe them. I left work early and Terry was home and we discussed the options the Geneticist explained to me. The next day I called to make an appointment for an amniocentesis and a 4D sonogram.

I knew our baby girl was a smart cookie but at our appointment with the Geneticist I knew she was a genius. Two days before the appointment Terry and I spoke to Baby Bacon and told her that a doctor was going to stick a needle in her home and she had to make sure she didn’t move so she doesn’t get scratched. Before the amnio, we spent an hour viewing her in a 4D sonogram. She waved high five at us, we saw her sucking her thumb, her butt was on the screen and her foot was in the way. Like all of the other times we saw her in a sonogram she was constantly moving. We saw that her spine was completely developed and she did not have spina bifida. The next testing was the amniocentesis and we had five minutes before the doctor performed the test and in that five minutes Terry spoke to Baby Bacon and said, “Okay, Baby Girl stay still now okay, we want you safe.” The Sonographer held the transducer so the Perinatologist could see which area would be safe to take a sample of amniotic fluid. The ten seconds that needle was in my stomach Terry and I could see our Baby Girl who was dancing all around earlier stay perfectly still during the procedure. When the needle was removed the transducer stayed in place so we could see Her heartbeat and we saw her move. She wiggled her arms and she moved right when the needle was gone. She’s such a good listener. Afterwards, we treated her to some Chicago style pizza at the infamous Zachary’s. Mama had her favorite pepperoni, mushrooms with anchovies. A week later, the Geneticist called and told us that our daughter’s chromosomes were perfect and she did not have a genetic disorder.


She was loved so much. Her Daddy interacted with her as much as I did. Every day, he left to work he gave her a kiss, a rub and talked to her. He never really felt her move until Christmas morning. TMB and I were lying in bed and he was holding my tummy and he felt her kick for the first time. She kicked really hard too. We laughed and said that was his first Christmas gift from his daughter. Her MamuBear (my Mamabear) always spoke to her and rubbed her too. MamaBear always loved holding my stomach just so she could feel Baby Bacon move around. The holidays came and we had lots of visitors at the Brown’s residence. Baby Bacon got to hear so many voices that have traveled from SoCal, NorCal and even from Washington State. Even at my Preschool story time, my kids were so excited for her to come out. One of my kids insisted that she was going to grow up and be a Transformer and she was going to look like Bumblebee because girls like yellow. She was only five months and she was able to hear and feel all the love around her every day.


We were told that I would have to deliver earlier than her due date of April 18th but we never expected anything like this…
On Monday, January 24th my parents accompanied me to a routine doctor’s appointment because TMB had a special schedule at work where it would be difficult for him to come with me. I was 28 weeks or 7 months Baby Bacon was growing inside me…. It is still painful to relive the moment. The only thing I remember is hearing my mom yell, “Nooo, not my baby” while I watched the doctor try different adjustments on the machine because he could not find Taitum’s heartbeat. I told him I heard her heartbeat last week at my Pulmonologist appointment. He looks and looks and after about a minute he repeats something I wish no ever hears, “I’m so sorry, your baby has passed away, she has no heartbeat.” At that moment I felt being in that doctor’s office was surreal and I was in denial. I was numb, there are no tears falling down my face until I sit up and look at the monitor. The little heart that I used to see pump and her hand that would always wave at me stayed still. Nothing…my Baby Girl the little life that I was growing inside me had stopped…

I was induced into labor later that evening, the thought of having to deliver a baby that was stillborn tore my heart. All of the dreams that I had for Baby Bacon had to stay as dreams. I spoke to God a lot that day, I mainly asked him why? I thought living with Scleroderma was already hard but now I have to live through losing my first child. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” How much stronger do I have to be? I was so angry, so hurt and so empty. Throughout this heartache my husband reminded me that we can’t waste time being angry or put blame on what happened. This is why I married this man; I started to focus on the labor and thought about the future hours because soon we would see Her face. Soon I would be able to kiss her little cheeks and although she would not be alive to feel the love this was time to show her more LOVE than she ever knew. My parents and TMB’s parents and brother stayed with us at the hospital. We are really blessed to have such a close family who is supportive and love us unconditionally. I tell TMB all the time I love our families.

We stayed overnight in the hospital and one of the nurses asked if we had picked a name for our baby. TMB and I have talked about it before but if you know my husband he always joked about names like Bertha and Penelope. I asked if he liked Angel because she would be an angel or we could name her Baby Bacon on the birth certificate because that’s what we’ve been calling her. Then I reminded him about how I wanted Her to have the same initials as him so I can call her “Junior.” He agreed he liked the idea and suggested we go with the name I mentioned to him a while ago. I knew her middle name would be Makaila because her Daddy’s middle name is Michael meaning “son of God”. There were a handful of names that began with “T” that I loved but I really loved the meaning of Taitum, which means “blessing of joy”. So at 12:03pm on Tuesday, January 25th Taitum Makaila Brown was delivered and although her time with us was short she truly was a blessing of joy from God.

After the delivery the doctors had a clue that the reason Taitum was not able to survive was the lack of nutrients and oxygen from the placenta. The placenta that I delivered was very small for seven months and showed calcification. A few weeks the Pathologist confirmed that it was the calcified placenta. The Scleroderma for some reason had antibodies that were affecting the placenta but we didn’t know how fast or how much it would affect the pregnancy. We were told Taitum passed a few days before the doctor visit. We learned from the autopsy if we were to deliver her earlier she would have not survived because her lungs and liver were underdeveloped. Her lungs and liver was the size of a baby who is four months and she lived to seven months. We are definitely blessed to have felt her move, kick and see her several times wave to us and show us she knew how to suck her thumb. She definitely was strong like her Mommy.

A little over a month has passed since she was delivered and I still have my moments. I have been to group therapy counseling and will attend one and one counseling for grief but I feel what has really helped me cope with my feelings is spending time with my Mom, Dad, Brother, Husband, in-laws and family and close friends. Those moments are hands down the best therapy. They don’t help me forget Taitum they remind me that I can still smile, laugh and live life while she’s in heaven waiting for me. It truly is a special feeling to have loved ones acknowledge our daughter. I don’t think I will ever understand why babies die. They never had the chance to explore the world. I imagine it’s a complex way of showing us how unexpected life can be. I believe in God and I believe he has a path for my husband and I. The path has definitely made us stop in tracks but it is up to TMB and I to get going again. There are no plans for a baby anytime soon. We want to make sure we can give 110% love to our future child. We are very optimistic and have a strong team of doctors that know what to look for in a future pregnancy and they all agree that it is possible with medication and closely monitoring with advanced sonograms it is possible for me to have a healthy baby. Every placenta and baby is different so please keep positive thoughts. This experience has been extremely heartbreaking but Terry and I honestly feel that we will be okay. Thank you for reading.